Almost Subspace Emmisary
by Nepezi. Kitten Extraordinaire
Summary: The mandatory re-telling of the subspace emmisary, luckily for you, it's also a parody, warning, swearing and flat whats ahead


**Almost Subspace Emissary**

**Chapter One**

A stadium floated in the sky. Thousands of cheering fans sat in the seats. Zelda and Peach stood on a pedestal, waving to the fans. "Wait a minute, why are you here?" Peach asked.

"I have a secret relationship with Kirby." Zelda said. Mario's trophy was thrown into the stadium. He came to life and got in a fighting position as Kirby's trophy flew into the stadium. He came to life and waved to the fans, but mostly Zelda.

"Fight!" yelled the announcer. Mario ran at Kirby who just jumped over him. Mario back-flipped over Kirby who smashed him in the face. Mario hit the ground and growled.

"Hi!" Kirby taunted. Mario threw a few fireballs at Kirby then jumped and tried to hit him but Kirby jumped over the fireballs and smashed Mario into the ground. Kirby landed and started to attack him rapidly. He then smashed him backwards. A Unira dropped in front of Kirby. Kirby picked it up and threw at the incoming Mario. Kirby hit Unira and threw at Mario again. Eventually Mario got behind Kirby but Kirby picked the Unira up just as Mario hit him. Kirby threw the Unira when a Freezie appeared. Kirby grabbed the Freezie and threw at Mario when he came back down. Mario was frozen and thrown up. He broke out of the ice and jumped up before hitting the ground when Kirby smashed him into the sky. Kirby taunted with a little dance.

* * *

In dark Pedohall, Pit stood over a pool which he somehow watched Mario and Kirby fight through. He then threw his fist in the air before checking to make sure no-one saw. Then Kirby started to win, so obviously someone messed with it and Pit got sad. "Stupid sexually ambiguous puff ball." Pit growled.

* * *

Mario went splat on the ground of the stadium as a trophy. "Should I? Or shouldn't I?" Kirby asked himself. "Eh, what's the worst that could happen?" Kirby asked himself as he brought Mario back to life. Mario then smashed Kirby off the edge before Kirby came back as a trophy, but Mario revived him. Suddenly, they had switched places and shook hands. They started waving at the rabid fans. But then a red cloud covered the stadium. A giant ship came from the red cloud.

"Holy-a shit." Mario said.

"I know that ship." Kirby said. "Yeah, it's that Eggman guy's ship." Mario just looked at him. "What? That's all I can think of at the moment." Kirby said. The ship then started to orgasm purple spores which started forming strange creatures. "I've never seen pregnancy go so fast." Kirby commented. Zelda and Peach panicked and ran down the stairs, in dresses and high heels mind you, and jumped into the stadium, Zelda teleported behind Mario and Kirby. "Hey babe." Kirby said. Peach drifted down next to Mario and Kirby with her parasol, which doesn't actually work, don't try it.

"Kirby, you fight first." Peach said.

"What but-" Kirby started.

"Good-a idea." Mario added.

"Then I'll go to avenge your death." Zelda said.

"But-" Kirby said.

"Go!" Mario said as he threw Kirby into the midst of the strange creatures. Then the other three disappeared.

"Crap." Kirby grumbled. Kirby stood between four creatures, known as Primids, who all just stood there. "Really?" Kirby asked. One Primid just started punching the air. Kirby smashed him away. Another face-planted in front of Kirby. Kirby just smashed him into the sky. Then the others started doing something as a cloud thing appeared. Kirby smashed them but more appeared. Kirby punched a box which exploded, sending him, the Primids and another cloud thing flying. Zelda appeared along with two Primids holding over-sized boomerangs. "What." Zelda said. She smashed one and another ran off the edge. The second Boomerang Primid threw his namesake but it didn't even reach Zelda, about three metres away. Zelda just continued to kick the Primids, not even really trying. She got a mushroom and turned giant to kill a couple of cloud things. She turned normal size and got a hammer before smashing the last few Primids. Suddenly, all four were back. "What's going on?" Mario asked.

"Fuck you Mario." Kirby said. Then a robot in a green dress floated by and dropped a big ball. Two more robots appeared out of nowhere and opened it, revealing a bomb set for three minutes. The robot in the dress floated away. Mario ran at the bomb before a cannonball smashed him out of the stadium. "Take that bitch." Kirby said. Suddenly Zelda and Peach were in cages held by a giant plant? In a diaper! He smashed Zelda and Peach together.

"Start lesbianing!" he roared.

"Let my bitch out of that cage right now!" Kirby yelled.

"Fuck you Kirby." Zelda said.

"Let Zelda out of that cage right now!" Kirby yelled.

"Fuck you Kirby." Peach said.

"Let them both out of those cages right now!" Kirby yelled after sighing.

"Not til they start lesbianing!" the plant thing roared. Kirby started smashing Zelda's cage. "Stop it!" the plant roared as he tried to smash Kirby with Zelda's cage. Kirby dodged and continued smashing it. The plant thing jumped (what) and tried to squish Kirby. Kirby tried to get away but the plant squashed him and threw him to the other side of the stadium. Kirby picked up a bat that appeared and smashed Zelda's cage. It almost broke but the plant sent him flying again. Kirby threw the bat and it broke Zelda's cage. Then the plant thing caught on fire and started exploding. Kirby and Zelda landed safely.

"What." the said in unison at the plant thing exploding. Then Wario appeared out of nowhere with a giant gun.

"Overcompensating?" Kirby asked. Wario aimed at Peach and fired. It sent a black arrow at her, when it hit her, she turned into a trophy

"Talk about trophy wife." Wario laughed as he jumped five storeys into the air to get ten metres towards Peach. He picked her up and jumped ten to escape the bomb. Kirby and Zelda started running. Then Kirby noticed there was two seconds left on the bomb.

"Oh shi-" he started before it went off. It created a giant black hole as Kirby and Zelda escaped on Kirby's magical star.

"One, where was this, two, how are you controlling it, and three, you are so hot right now." Zelda said. Suddenly, fifteen coins dropped into Zelda's hands. "What?" Zelda asked.

"Sweet, let's go get wasted." Kirby said.

"With fifteen bucks?" Zelda asked.

"Well, yeah." Kirby said.

"How much do they charge?" Zelda asked.

"Ten drinks a coin." Kirby said.

"Sweet, let's go get wasted." Zelda said.

"Alright!" Kirby said.

_Disclaimer: I do not own things here, nothing, I'm never doing this again, at least not for this story_


End file.
